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| It's 11:11p. I have a paper due tomorrow. I've just sat down to write it...but not really, because I'm writing this instead.
I tend to write entries, leave them up for a day, and then make them private. In hindsight I'm often slightly embarrassed about the extent to which I share my soul. But I just went back and made a bunch of private entries public again. Lol. Omg what am I doing...
I miss my parents a lot. I was going through my e-mails (another time-waster that always occurs right around paper time); here's the most recent one my dad sent me:
So proud of u esther kim. 아빠 는 말로 표현 은 안아지만 옛날부터 에스터 만 보면는 항상 기쁘고 proud 했단다. 아주 아주 많이 축하해요 Phi Beta Kappa member 가 된것을 에스터. As u can see, appa learned how to type Korean ha ha ha. It has been raining in Baltimore for the last few days. 시카고 는 지금 춥지? 감기 조심하고 맛있는것 많이해먹고... 아빠가 에스터 보러 한번갈개. 안녕 에스터 사랑 아주많이 사랑해요. skype me if u can esther.
Sigh. I think I bawled when I read this the first time around. Parents have that effect on you.
Actually I have a lot to share. But this probably isn't the time to share it. It is probably time to write my paper. Okay. Bye.
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| Uhmmmm I'm in grad school... o_O
I will reveal a secret about myself.
True story:
I am not a hard worker. In fact, I hardly work.
I wrote out a huge paragraph about that statement, but erased it. All I'll say is man, I've been able to achieve pretty well up to now with such ridiculously minimal effort--who knows where I would be if I had actually tried. Ah, regrets, but will I do anything differently these next two years?
I bought this really cute planner in Korea but am realizing with each passing day how much I miss using a Moleskine. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm so obsessive about writing/reading in my planners that they become a significant part of my daily routine. I want to stop using the one I have now and hack another Moleskine but then it'd be missing the first month of my year. ACKKKKKKKKKK. Yes, I am actually very bothered by this.
Chicago is too much to put into words. Life is so, so...different? New?
It's weird to think no one I know really KNOWS what it's like. That I've left them behind. It's like, when I graduated high school and left for college, I kept in touch with people but realized more and more that they couldn't really grasp the whirlwind of experiences college was throwing at me. And then I became so incredibly close to people throughout college because we were going through so much together, but now I've left those people behind and am again in the midst of all this change and these foreign experiences. Nothing, no one is familiar. It's weird. And it's how life will be for awhile.
You know what's really strange? To realize in some random moment that you're maturing. I've had a lot of those moments in the last month or so, where I'm like "Dude...Estha Keem...did you really just think that? Realize that? Are you growing up?"
Classes = I'm learning an INCREDIBLE amount about myself. Geebus. Epiphenies about my childhood, especially.
I need more God in my life. Okay, that statement will always be true, so more specifically I need more fellowship in my life.
My days have never been so long. I'm so tired.
박봄: You and I ...I love how this song starts, dudeeee.
I still miss Korea like craaazy. I want to go in December and theoretically can...but that would be so, so selfish of me.
War upsets me so much. I don't understand how people discuss it so rationally, like it's a rational concept. War makes me cry. I don't understand. I also don't understand how people can be more worried about people taking advantage of a system than about whether those people will have a meal. I don't understand how easy it is to ignore the simple humanity in another person. I don't understand why I'm scared to see a young black man walking toward me on a deserted Chicago street at 8 p.m. I don't understand why it matters whether someone DESERVES help, like we deserve anything ourselves. I don't understand so much in this world, and I've never had to think about it so much in my life...all the time, it's ALL THE TIME. I don't understand, I don't understand you God. But I can accept that I'm not meant to understand. Otherwise...
BLESSED
BLESSED
BLESSED
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| Yesterday (Saturday the 20th) I worked from 8:30a-10:00p.
Not teaching the entire time, but the whole time was spent doing work-related stuff at work. Even lunch...no dinner.
I'm pretty sure that's illegal on some sort of level...maybe the level of humanity?
Lots of interesting stuff to share, but unfortunately I'm stuck in a perpetual state of exhaustion and busyness. I will update sometime soon though.
All I'll say for now is man, God is so good. That I'm still smiling and content in the midst of this madness is a testament to how good he is...I don't know how else I'd be doing this.
Miss you guys!
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| 1. Stop judging me by the color of my skin! Everyone, I mean EVERYONE, points out how dark I am. I'm the only one for miles around that does not fear the sun. I'm also the shortest. And I look extremely young for my age, apparently.
2. I came thisclose to buying a hairband with a bow on it today. Who am I kidding?!
3. It's been a crazy week--I feel like I've been here for a month. From 5/25-5/30 I got maybe 20hrs of sleep. I normally need like 9hrs of sleep/night to function well, but God has graced me with more energy than I had throughout all my college years, ha.
4. I start work tomorrow. I'm terrified. But ready to make fwends to enjoy Korea with.
5. Is McDonalds really worthy of delivery? YES!!
6. Suddenly I have all of this "family" I've never met before hounding me to tutor their kids. Go away.
7. I'm at a Starbucks and the people watching is fantastic. I think a lot of people are watching me as well.
8. I moved into my 이모할머니 (great aunt)'s apartment yesterday in Seoul. It's nice, basically like living by myself. It's within walking distance of anything I could ever need to entertain myself, and a short subway ride from everything else. Too bad everything is so freakin expensive, oh my gah. I'm po'.
I don't know what else to say, there's too much. Basically I'm having a great time already, though nothing has yet to officially begin. I still have 3months+ left =)
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| Music is such a...mood...tone...scene setter.
As independent as I make myself out to be, I know better than anyone else how much of a pretense that is. My confidence would abandon me entirely if I didn't know how much my mom prays for me, if I had to assume those annoying details my dad takes care of. I wonder why independence is so valued, why I value it so much. Is it a comfort to know that you can stand on your own, or is that somewhat...sad?
Conversations don't have to be about "deep," significant subjects to be meaningful, do they?
70 degrees, breezy, sun through the leaves, very green leaves, rain, brief downpour, stop and go, puddles, drops, dirt, sky.
"The words of God made manifest? Do we really need more victims to remind us that we're all victims? Is this some sort of parade for which a conquering army shines up its terrible guns and rolls them up and down the streets for the people to see? Do we need blind men stumbling about, and little flamefaced children, to remind us what God can--and will--do?" -Annie Dillard, "Holy the Firm." Sigh, I've been having some difficult conversations lately..
I wish success was defined by how much I grow in my faith, how much I foster my relationships with people, how much love I learn to show my family, how much I discover about myself. I wish my parents would be satisfied with this, I wish I myself would be satisfied with this. I think that's one of the reasons I'm so hesitant to have my own family--I'm scared that once I have kids, once I realize what it means to really love, I'll become selfish. I'll want more of this world, I won't be allowed to have the same impossibly idealistic ideals, it'll take more to satisfy me. Reality, stay away.
Crap! My potential employer just GTalked me from Korea! Crap! Is that allowed? Crap! WHAT DO I SAY? CRAP!
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